My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
