A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
