The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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