what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
