Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
