enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
