I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
