That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
