Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
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I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize