Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
