i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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