I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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