You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
