Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
