I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
