I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
