Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
