I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
