i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
well you can't waste a boner
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
