So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
