Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
