so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
