please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
