I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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