I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
