mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
