**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
