if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
