Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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