my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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