Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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