I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
