Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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