god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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