a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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