Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
