You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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