So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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