dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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