I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
it's like heaven, but drunker
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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