i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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