Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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