I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
