I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
