direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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