Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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