I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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