OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The best revenge is premature balding
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
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I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
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Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
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