she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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