I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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