Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
