my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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