Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
