apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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