Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb

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(415): View more from California

I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.

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(415): I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made. http://tfl.nu/o1d2

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(307): View more from Wyoming

mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

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(307): mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her. http://tfl.nu/aq8k

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl

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(330): View more from Ohio

beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it

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(330): beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it http://tfl.nu/hhxp

Replies (5) Good night (2902) Bad night (1045) Order T-Shirt
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(917): View more from New York City

My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.

(917): View more from New York City

Also pregame at mine tomorrow?

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(917): My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat. (917): Also pregame at mine tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/3lzk

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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(307): The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though. http://tfl.nu/bysz

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.

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(541): I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom. http://tfl.nu/ubxd

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.

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(256): I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly. http://tfl.nu/2jju

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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(602): She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically http://tfl.nu/1zdp

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.

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(423): There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears. http://tfl.nu/uyth

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.

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(724): If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet. http://tfl.nu/ik1n

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material

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(+44): I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material http://tfl.nu/6zdu

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!

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(425): I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze! http://tfl.nu/6miw

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