be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
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I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
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I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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