the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So much Jack, so little girl.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
