And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
