hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
