I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
