Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
