I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
